Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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