Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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