My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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