The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
