nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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