Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
