there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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