oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
