My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
