Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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