Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
