Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
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You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
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Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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