This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
