I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
false alarm, still single
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