were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
