Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
