i already hear my dad disowning me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
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After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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