I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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