he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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