a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
