are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
