Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
