____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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