All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All the doctor said was why
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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