I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
