my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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