I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
