I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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