i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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