My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
