It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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