Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
