FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
