I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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