I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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