I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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