Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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