We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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