OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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