That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
