I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
