I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
