you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
