The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
