I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize