i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
