I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
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Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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