In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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