Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
