From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
