my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
