i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
