i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
