im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
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we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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