Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
a search helicopter?!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
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All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
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You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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