I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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