update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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