i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
